Pranks a Lot
by FreelancerRiley
Summary: Wash finds something in his closet that reminds him of the pranks wars from when he was still in Project Freelancer. Ah, good times.
1. Let the Games Begin

Wash was rummaging through some of the shit in his closet when he found an air horn. And it wasn't just any air horn, it was his old roommate's.  
It was Maine's.  
This brought back some memories from Project Freelancer. The old prank wars...

Wash was walking to his room when he came across Maine and his girlfriend, Rhode Island, outside of Arizona's room. Rhode was holding Maine's air horn, while he was holding a can of silly string.  
Wash cleared his throat, causing the two to whip around in alarm.  
"What are you two doing?"  
"Oh, nothing much. I'm just introducing Zona to someone that I like to call 'Mr. Air Horn.' He makes a profound argument for getting up."  
"You do realize that she's going to kill you two for that, right?"  
"Not if she can't catch us!"  
He wanted no part of this. "At least wait until I'm out of sight."  
"Can do."  
A few moments later, the air horn went off.  
"I'M GOING TO GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH A SPOON!"  
"Run like a bitch!"  
Maine and Rhode tore down the hall, laughing their asses off while a pissed-off Arizona chased after them, covered in silly string. Whatever kind Maine used, it was a bitch to get off; he knew from experience.

Wash, York, and Rhode were all sitting in the living room. York was reading a book, while Wash and Rhode were playing a game of Cribbage. A beat-up Wyoming walked in.  
"What happened to you, Reggie?" York asked. "You look like shit."  
"Well, it just so happens that _someone_ switched my and Tex's underwear, and she thought I did it," he replied, glaring at Rhode.  
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I just got back from a mission," she said, not bothering to look up. York was trying not to laugh. The brit glared at him before walking away. York burst out laughing as soon as Wyoming was out of hearing range.  
"Was it really you?" Wash asked Rhode. She just grinned.  
"Maybe."  
This caused York to laugh even harder.

Wash was on his way to the bathroom. He stopped dead in his tracks when he was North standing outside said bathroom, trying not to laugh. North pointed to the door and said, "York's in there. Wyoming pranked him!"  
This he had to see. He knocked on the door.  
"Go away!"  
"York, I really need to use the bathroom!"  
"Fine..." He opened the door, and Wash burst out laughing. Wyoming wrote all over the Freelancer's face. There was a mustache, the words 'Wyoming was here,' and 'dumb.'  
"He thought I was the one who swapped the underwear drawers."  
"Wait, what?" North obviously hadn't heard about that.  
"I'm so getting him back for this," York growled.  
Later on at dinner, York put a laxative in Wyoming's drink. Wash had never seen the British Freelancer move so fast in his entire life.

Oh, Wash pulled his fair share of pranks, like changing Maine's armor color to a hot pink for a week, or the time he and York managed to shave North bald. He looked down at the air horn in his hand. Did it still work? Time to test it out.  
It was 9 a.m., and Church was bound to be asleep. The blond crept towards his room. Light snoring could be heard. The door quietly opened a few inches, enough for a hand to stick through. He pressed down on the button.  
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Church fell out6 of bed in his mad scramble to get up. Wash started to crack up. He hadn't done something like this is far too long.  
"You douche!" Church threw a pillow at him.  
"Hey, you make it too easy!" Wash was still recovering from his laughing fit.  
"Oh, it is _on!_"  
Wash grinned. "Challenge accepted."  
Let the games begin.


	2. (Im)practical Joking

A/N: Hehehe...

oOo

Ever since Wash pranked Church, Blue Base has been noisier than usual. It started off as little jokes, like Church saran-wrapping Wash's door, or Wash swapping the sugar and the salt (a perfectly good cup of coffee lost its life that day). Then one day Church decided to take things to the next level.

"AGH!" Wash's cry of distress could be heard all throughout Blue Base. Tucker, who had (wisely) stayed out of the prank war, shot a look at a smug Church.

"What did you do to him?" he asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"You'll see," Church replied, not looking up from his newspaper.

A few minutes later, a very peeved Washington stormed into the kitchen. Upon seeing what was on the Freelancer's head, Tucker burst out laughing. Said Freelancer stomped up to Church.

"Care to explain this?!" Wash growled, pointing to his hair, which was an attractive shade of orange.

"You murdered an innocent cup of coffee last week. You know how much I love my morning cup of coffee."

"Where the hell did you get the hair dye?!" Wash shouted. Then it hit him. Donut. Grinning, he said, "You do know what this means, right?"

"Uhh..." Church did **not** like the tone of Wash's voice, or the look on his face.

"Since you got a Red to help you, **anyone** in the canyon can be a pranker or the pranked."

"I call bullshit!"

"Dude, he's right," Tucker said to Church. "In a prank war, the instant someone pulls a prank with 'the enemy' or someone not 'in' the war, it's assumed that everyone is now open for pranking."

Church groaned.

"However," the normally aqua-clad soldier continued. "you cannot prank the same person twice in a row, or whoever helped you with the last prank you pulled. And the instant you pull a prank, you're in the war."

Church scowled and glared at Wash.

"I'm not selling out who helped me."

"I already know who it is." With that, Wash turned and walked away, laughing.

Groaning again, Church plopped back down on his chair. Tucker and Church looked at each other.

"You're screwed," Tucker said matter-of-factly.

"I know."

oOo

Upon arriving at Red Base, the first thing Wash did was dump a bucket of ice-cold water on a snoozing Grif. The second thing he did was seek out Simmons, which wasn't too hard. He was always doing something to the jeep.

"Hey, Simmons."

The maroon-clad soldier crawled out from under the jeep, covered in oil, grease, and dirt.

"Waddya want, Blue?"

Wiping his head with a dirty towel, he did a double-take when he saw Wash's hair.

"What the hell happened to your hair?!"

"Church and Grif is what happened. Look, there's something I need you to help me with..."

oOo

There was a present in front of Church's door the next day. He stared at the poorly wrapped box for a few minutes, even after reading the tag. (Tow mie beest friend, luve Cabus)

Church was suspicious. A present in front of his door the day after he pranked Wash? Yeah, fuck that. There was no way he was opening that thing.

At breakfast, Caboose asked Church if he opened the present yet. He replied, saying that he wanted to be awake enough to appreciate the thoughtful gift. Wash smirked behind his cereal.

Huffing, Church grabbed the present and slammed his door. If it was from Caboose, what was the worse that could happen? Wait, nevermind. This was Caboose we're talking about here.

Unwrapping the box, Church figured that it was probably another stuffed animal when-

_POW!_

Church's vision was obscured by something very colorful for about 30 seconds. When he could see again, he screamed in rage.

There was confetti _everywhere._

A small piece of paper drifted in front of Church's face. He snatched it out of the air, scattering the confetti on his body. Once the rainbow-colored cloud settled, he read the note.

'Have fun cleaning up!  
-Wash and Simmons'

Son of a bitch.

oOo

~A few days later...~

Simmons was walking outside to fix the jeep's brakes when he stopped dead in his tracks. He just stood there, staring for a good minute before he ran back inside the base, yelling for Grif.

It was bad enough that the jeep was painted blue, and was covered in glitter. _Especially_ since it was painted blue, since Sarge would blow a fuse when he saw it. But also being egged and covered in graffiti? Simmons was a dead man at that point.

When Grif saw the vehicle, he had a long laughing fit, erasing Simmons's suspicion that he was the one that did it.

"Grif, stop laughing and help me clean up! We can't let Sarge see this!" Simmons screeched at Grif.

"See what?"

Simmons went pale and slowly turned to face Sarge. Even Grif stopped laughing.

Sarge was just standing there, staring at the Warthog, his face becoming as red as his armor. He opened his mouth to say something a few times, but said nothing. Eventually, he turned and walked back into the base. Before he entered, he said, "I'm gittin' maw Shotgun."

Grif and Simmons looked at each other before booking it for Blue Base.

Church was about to go on patrol when an orange and maroon-colored blur races past him into the base. He just stood there for a few moments before finally saying, "...what?"

The three Blues were shocked to see a panicked Grif and Simmons suddenly barge into the living room.

"You have to hide us from Sarge!" Simmons cried. He started spewing out gibberish before Tucker interrupted him.

"Woah, chill the fuck out, dude. What exactly happened?"

"Oh, like you don't already know what happened to the jeep!" Simmons scoffed.

"What's this about the jeep?" Church asked as he walked into the room, helmet tucked under his arm.

"Yeah," Wash said. "all that we did was steal Sarge's shotgun."

"You _what?!_" Simmons yelled. Grif let out a small chuckle.

"Wait, then...who did it?" The maroon soldier asked. He was greeted with silence and confused faces. Who, indeed?

~Elsewhere~

Lopez silently laughed as he watched the two Reds run for Blue Base. No-one would ever suspect him. After all, he was only Lopez, the forgettable spanish-speaking robot.

"(Morons,)" he muttered.

~Back at Blue Base~

An explosion shook the base. Church swore under his breath and said, "Grif, Simmons, stay here and watch Caboose." Tucker, Wash, and Church raced up the ramp to the roof as the base shook again.

"DIRTY BLUES! YOU'LL PAY FER WHAT YA DID TO MAW JEEP!" Sarge hollered, reloading the Rocket Launcher.

"But we didn't do it!" tucker whispered to Wash.

"Just go with it!" Wash whispered back.

"Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?!" Church hollered back at the Red Sargent.

The Blues ducked as a rocket sailed overhead.

"I'll take that as a 'no!'"

"First, you defile maw jeep. Then, ya steal maw Shotgun! Now, you have maw men! What is the meaning of this?!"

"Uh..." Thinking fast, Wash yelled back, "April Fools! You've just been pranked!"

"This must be some diabolical plan to...huh?"

"Y-yeah!" Tucker added. "There's been a massive prank war going on, and now you're in it!"

Sarge stood there, silent. As time went by, the three Blues grew nervous. What could be going through his head? Then, out of nowhere, Sarge started to laugh. Yes. Laugh.

"Hell, I reckon I can be a good sport and laugh this off. I pulled off my fair share of pranks in maw youth. But, in all seriousness, I would like maw Shotgun back."

"It's over by the crashed Pelican," Wash replied. The Blues relaxed. Sarge nodded and walked away.

Walking back downstairs, Church told the two Reds that it was probably safe to go back to their base. But seriously. GTFO.

For the next few days, there was an unsaid cease-fire. Everyone was enjoying the peace, for a change. But everyone knows that 'peaceful' and 'Blood Gulchers' don't mix.

oOo

A/N: Cliffhanger! Kinda. Not really. Meh.

The main reason I stopped was because I ran out of ideas. Sadface.

Feel free to leave suggestions for pranks!


	3. What does the 'A' stand for again?

Title: What does the 'A' stand for again?

A/N: You thought I was going to continue with the Blood Gulchers? ! (look it up if you don't know what that is)

oOo

~One day, many years ago...~

All the Freelancers were relaxing in the break room. The Director was gone, so York, Maine, Wyoming, and Tex were working on plans for a party.

And since the Director was gone, that meant that the A.I.s could converge and talk.

Sigma and Omega were talking about their agents and how they could be more effective in the field (by listening to them, of course) when holographic confetti suddenly exploded around them, effectively scaring them.

"Did I scare you?" Theta asked, skating over. He was giggling like crazy.

Brushing off some confetti, Sigma answered, "Yes, Theta. You got us pretty good. But what drove you to do that?"

"North told me it was called a prank. It's something you do to your friends to make them laugh. Kinda like acting out a joke! But the prank shouldn't give anyone boo-boos."

"I fail to see the logic behind these 'pranks.'" Delta walked over to join the group. "It's laughing at someone's misfortune that you helped cause."

"It is?" Theta sounded heartbroken. He just pulled a prank moments ago!

"I'm sorry," he said to Sigma and Omega, looking down at the ground.

Panicking, Sigma said, "It's okay. We're not mad at you. Right, Omega?" He elbowed Omega as he said that.

With some difficulty, Omega said, "Uh, yeah! I'm not mad at you. In fact, it was kind of funny."

"Really?!"

"Really."

"Yay!" Theta shouted cheerfully. He suddenly remembered something. "I need to go talk to North. See ya later!" He disappeared.

As soon as he was gone, Omega rounded on Delta.

"'Laughing at someone's misfortune.' If saying that in front of Theta wasn't illogical, I don't know what is!"

Delta had nothing to say at that.

oOo

_North?_ the Freelancer heard Theta say in his head. He sounded upset, which concerned North.

"What is it?"

The A.I. appeared in front of him. "Are pranks really about laughing at someone's misfortune?"

North was taken off-guard. "Who told you that?"

"Delta."

North mentally frowned. He would talk to York about that later. But now he had to comfort Theta.

"Well, you see..."

oOo

A few days later, the Director returned. He was pleased to see the base still standing, and that none of his agents had been killed or sent to the medbay.

"All Freelancers report to the meeting room," he said into the intercom.

When they were all gathered (unarmored, he noted), he began.

"While I was on my...trip, I discovered some valuable information. The Insurrectionists are..."

Suddenly, the door slammed shut, and the power went out. Cries of alarm, confusion, and anger filled the room.

"What the hell?"

"Did the Director forget to pay the electric bill?

"North, I'm scared!"

"Don't worry, Theta. I'm here."

"This is bullshit!"

"Be quiet!" The Director barked. They all shut up. "F.I.L.S.S., what is going on?"

He got his answer, but not from F.I.L.S.S.

"Surprise, motherfuckers!" The Alpha's voice sounded over the intercom.

_Alpha?_ The A.I.s grew restless.

"Be QUIET!" The Director shouted again. His patience was almost gone. "What is the meaning of this?"

"April Fool's, bitches."

The Director scowled. "Yes, you got us. Now put everything back to normal."

"No."

"Alpha..."

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of me not giving a shit!" He started humming to emphasize the 'I'm not listening.'

A few snickers was heard from somewhere in the dark room.

"Could someone please try to pry open the door?"

"A better question is: can anyone even _find_ the door?" Omega remarked before he was silenced.

"Hey, D. Couldya come out here for a sec?" York asked his A.I.

"How may I be of assistance?" Delta asked, appearing into view. His green glow lit up a small portion of the room.

"And viola, light," York said, grinning.

Gamma, Sigma, Omega, and Theta came out as well. The Freelancers were able to locate the door with ease. But opening it was a different matter.

After the better part of an hour, they were able to get out. It didn't help that the Alpha was constantly spewing insults and profanities.

"And another thing...hey! Nonono, don't touch tha-"

Silence at last.

Back here he belonged, the Alpha complained, "You never let me do anything fun."

Ignoring the A.I., the Director said over the intercom, "The meeting will be postponed until a later date."

Sighing, he massaged his temples.

"I really need a vacation."

oOo

A/N: Okay, _now_ I'm out of ideas.

Theta is so fucking adorable.

Also, the Alpha would totally do something like this. You know he would.


	4. Busted!

A/N: The idea was too good to pass up. I was grinning like and idiot the whole time I was writing this.

oOo

~One day, many years ago...~

It was a few days after the 'incident,' as it was called within the Director's hearing range. He still couldn't figure out just who had helped the Alpha with the prank.

He immediately removed Florida, Washington, North, South, and CT off of his 'suspect' list. They weren't the prankster type.

Maine? No, not him. Leonard could remember the look on the bald man's face as he stormed off to the training room.

Carolina and Allison came to mind, but were also dismissed. Carolina was too busy trying to get her spot back as #1, and while Allison was a notorious prankster, this didn't quite fit in with her tactics. If she **had** done it...he shuddered, remembering that time with the erasers, the rubber duck, and the box of tissues. He hasn't been able to eat toast ever since. Shaking his head, he moved on.

What about York or Wyoming?

Wyoming no doubt had something to do with the incident, but York? Sure, York could probably hack into the mainframe, but there was only one problem with this theory: the two absolutely despised each other. Something didn't seem to add up.

But what other leads did he have?

Wyoming seemed to be quite amused during the incident, but the British man always enjoyed a good prank. Even if he was the victim, he would just laugh it off while plotting revenge.

And York was pretty casual about it all, but that was just York for you. If Death was to knock on his door, York would invite him inside for some beer, a game of poker, and maybe steal his wallet when Death wasn't looking. Then, at three in the morning, he'd send Death drunkenly stumbling home.

Leonard blankly watched the security footage from the conference room again. He walks in, the Freelancers enter a few minutes later, the door closes, he begins to talk, and then there was nothing, as that was when the Alpha shut off the power.

What was he missing?

He re-watched it again, paying close attention to York and Wyoming.

Right before the door shut, he saw it. The two Agents' postures were the same for one second, then different the next. He stopped the video.

"F.I.L.S.S., I want a frame-by-frame playback of the last three seconds I watched."

Sure enough, it happened again. He could now see that for three frames, they were missing. It was like someone had pressed the pause button. And a certain Freelancer had a certain A.I. that had a certain ability like that.

Gamma.

oOo

"Agents Wyoming and New York will report to my office immediately," The Director's voice said over the intercom.

Said Agents looked at each other, silently saying, 'He knows.'

oOo

Leo had on his signature pokerface when Wyoming and York entered.

"Now, I have called you two here with-"

"It was his idea!" Both Freelancers said at the same time, pointing to the other.

"I don't care who's idea it was!" The Director snarled.

He started to pace in front of them. "Words cannot begin to describe how outraged I am at this 'prank' of yours. Not only did you hack the mainframe of the very organization you work for, you accessed **very** top-secret information, and used it against us. All for what? A few laughs?"

York and Wyoming were pale, fearing the worst.

"I am a hardworking man that is trying to aid his planet in a time of war, and I cannot let a crime such as this go unpunished."

He stopped pacing and glared at the terrified soldiers. His facial features softened as he said, "However...I was also a mischievous teenager that pulled his fair share of pranks, and I cannot help but laugh at a good joke."

Relief washed over the Agents' faces.

"You aren't off the hook, though. While all you did was bring some well-needed humor into our strict lives, you still did something very illegal to do so. Seeing as you work _so_ well with one another with a common goal, your next few missions will be together."

The Freelancers groaned.

"I don't want to hear any complaints. The next time you - or _anyone_, for that matter - does something like this again, I **will** take proper legal action.

You are dismissed."

oOo

Allison walked in a few minutes later. "Everything's all set, Leo."

Leo smirked. "You rigged their beds?"

"Check."

"Hair dye in the shampoo?"

"Of course."

"Is the super glue in place?"

"Leonard, this is me you're talking to. I got all seventeen things done."

"Good."

oOo

A/N: Teehee! I hope this was worth the wait. Sorry it's so short. But as you read this, Chapter 5 is being written!

Constructive criticism is welcomed!

Feel free to suggest a prank or two in a review or PM. But you don't have to. It's helpful for when I run out of ideas, which happens a lot.


End file.
